for the kids :o)

In the last month or so, as God has dealt with my hardened heart and willful sins against Him, He has given me yet another reason to strive for purity of mind, heart, and deed.  I once heard a pastor talk about how, if we as Christians each comprise a single part in the body of Christ, each one of us must perform our particular job if the body as a whole is to work properly.  If not, the body ceases to function at its maximum capacity.  And so it is when sin penetrates the Body of our Lord, Jesus Christ.  When I sin, I not only hurt myself, but I adversely affect every single one of my brothers and sisters who bear the name of Christ.  Just like in any group activity or team sport, if I’m not pulling my own weight, the rest suffer. 

So, last week, as one of my precious students was dealing with a crisis of morality and faith, the Lord, in his sweet mercy, provided me with yet another reason to seek the righteousness of God… for my students.  This poor, sweet girl stood up for what was right, which as we all know, can be terrifying at any age, let alone middle school.  I know this girl to be a believer.  So, after class, I tried to encourage her, share Scripture with her, etc.  And as I walked with her through this situation, my hypocrisy met me face to face. 

I can teach these things, no problem.  I have enough knowledge in my head, along with access to biblegateway.com, to be able to find Scripture to encourage people.  But it’s all for naught if I’m not striving after those very same things in my own life.  So, in that moment, the teacher became the student; and I was overwhelmed.  

 I long so deeply to, even if in some small way, demonstrate the love and kindness of Christ to my students.  I know I have failed more often than I have succeeded.  And I imagine if my students are reading this, they would laugh at the thought of comparing my behavior with that of Christ.  I am weak, yes.  Christ is greater by far.  So, by his grace, I hope that I have communicated the love of Christ to them (and not just the wrath of the Father.)  My students need the grace of Christ.  And since I cannot openly declare the Gospel in my classroom, I must publicly live the Gospel in my everyday interactions with them.

(If you are one of my students… please know that I have tried as best I can to love you.  I am sorry for the times I have failed.  To those of you I have hurt, please forgive me.)

As for the rest of you… Creekwood rules.  Go Colts. )

the throne of grace

so, it has been 3 whole months since my last post.  there have been so many times i thought about posting, but nothing seemed to merit your time.  the past few months have been a very quiet time between the Lord and I.  and i don’t claim to have the spiritual maturity to understand if this is due to my sin, or just the Lord being quiet, whatever.  i hear stuff like that thrown around a lot, that God has times when He is silent toward His people.  i don’t really get that.  and if I’m honest, i would admit that the missing piece to the equation has been me, and my devotion to the Lord.

 at church not too long ago, i heard someone say in praise and supplication to Christ, “Jesus, you are closer to our hearts than our own skin.”  initially, it sounds kinda creepy and a little too anatomical.  but when i let the words sink in, i was struck.  when you combine that statement with the images of God breathing life into Adam, and that are filled with the same Spirit upon conversion, the reality of Christ’s nearness to His people is, well, breathtaking.  and for me, when i think upon the promise in Hebrews 4, that i, that we, as believers, can approach the throne of Grace with confidence… the only conclusion i can draw in that God has no desire to be silent toward His children.  this time of distance and isolation has been my own doing, a product of my sin and unrepentance. 

we hear it all the time… there is no other way to achieve intimacy with God than to spend time with Him in prayer, in His Word, with His people.  and for some odd reason, after years of unbridled grace and mercy shown to me, i am still trying to call myself a Christian without really pressing into Christ.  He has brought me this far and has, it feels, brought me to a crossroads with Him.  do i really want to continue in a faith marked by spiritual ups and downs?  so far my walk has been defined by huge emotional trials, when, ironically, it’s easier to trust Him.  now, as it seems i have entered a fairly stable phase of my life… the question has arisen Will I trust Him still?  Will I devote myself to Him?  will i actually be the one to pursue my own righteousness or just expect the prayers of “Lord, change me.  Make me this kind of woman…” to suffice? 

 I feel as if I have missed so many opportunities to mature and deepen my faith, and I hate that.  I think about the hours wasted, that could have been spent knowing Him, learning about Him, from Him AT the throne of Grace, a spot procured for me by His unfathomable sacrifice, and i am heartsick.

 now, many of my loved ones get onto me about “being too hard on myself.”  and i can see the good and the bad in that.  the reason i want to be like that is so that i never think i’ve attained maturity… sanctification must be continuous.  now, the downside to this approach is that i can begin to get bogged down in my “performance” as a Christian, rather than resting in the grace of Jesus.  so, there must be, as usual, a healthy balance between the two camps.

 so, in light of all this introspection, i have come back to the throne of Grace, with confidence… i am confident of my salvation.  i am confident of God’s love toward me, His delight in me as one purchased by Christ’s death on the Cross.  i am confident that nothing can snatch me from the Father’s hand.  and i am confident that He who has begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it until the day of His return.

 Jeremiah 9:23-24

Thus says the LORD, “Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches;

 but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things,” declares the LORD.

forgiveness…

so, in case you haven’t heard or experienced this, let me be the one to tell you, Christ is amazing and perfect.  He makes those things which are seemingly impossible, possible.  that which we think will crush and consume us, with Christ, vanishes into thin air.  once you surrender to His will, you learn that indeed His “yoke is easy, and [His] burden is light.”  with Him “all things are possible.”  what i love most about Him is how absolutely opposite He is from this world.  there is no one like Him.  when the world preaches anger, resentment, bitterness, entitlement, personal vindication… He calls us to forgive.  oh my, the humility of giving up all claims upon our “rights” as “emotional” creatures who are allowed to feel a certain way…  no!  i am not allowed to look upon a brother or sister as somehow undeserving of unconditional love and grace because of what they’ve done to me.  who am i???  i denounce all our post-modern psycho-babble mumbo jumbo about being allowed to feel certain things and express them as “healthy.”  holding on to anger and bitterness as you “process” and “deal” is ridiculous!  that is no way to live!  and Christ knew it.  the times in my life when i have felt most entitled to my anger, Christ has quickly and ever so lovingly stepped in to call me to give it up.  why?  is it because Christians are a bunch of doormats who allow themselves to be abused and taken advantage of?  if Christ were so big and powerful, why would He have willingly gone through the humiliation he endured the day of the Cross?  are Christ and His people a big group of lovey-dovey wimps?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  forgiveness is painful… for us emotionally, spiritually, etc… and even moreso was it for Christ.  He set the ultimate example for us in the pain of forgiveness.  however, where there is pain, there is the beauty of reconciliation.  that which was separated by sin is brought back together through the covering of grace.  as “therapeutic” as it may be to hang on to your anger, the anger will eventually own your soul.  there is no life there.  therefore, i am eternally grateful to Christ for the times He has so gently called me to forgive when i feel the most entitled to reserve my human right to be angry.  yes, i can be angry, sure.  God allows for that.  but again, there is no peace there.  and my soul longs for peace.  my most intimate times with the Lord thus far have been the times He calls me to forgive when the world says to “not let that person off the hook so easily.”  really?  in the face of Christ?  how could i not forgive?  i mean, don’t get me wrong, i’m not saying i haven’t felt that too.  and oh boy, is it tempting to dangle that person’s wrong in their face so that they know they “owe me” or whatever.  but how despicable in light of Christ’s mercy would it be to camp there for more than a minute of my life?  there is nothing that brings more depth to my faith than forgiving as Christ calls us to forgive.  i never feel closer to Him than at those times.  i cannot imagine what it was like for Him to suffer what He did for those who hurt Him so deeply and without the slightest display of remorse.  what would my life be like if Christ felt it just to “not let me off the hook so easily” for my sins against Him?  good golly.  therefore, I choose forgiveness.  and i PRAISE CHRIST that when He equips us for every good work, and that He will grant any prayer that is in accordance with His will, like forgiving others, no matter what the wrong they’ve committed.  all things are possible through Him.  i love that He confounds the wisdom of this world.  when the world sees grace lived out, it confuses them.  and those of us who are believers must in those moments not take the credit for ourselves because we are so “good.”    when an outsider questions how we could ever forgive ”that” person, we must boldly and humbly respond that our Savior did the same for us and the rest of the world.

the Good Shepherd

the other day in sunday school, we talked a little about Jesus as the good shepherd.  for those of us who know the Lord, we are familiar with this metaphor and the emotions it evokes.  as the sheep, we are known intimately by our shepherd.  in fact, no human on this earth will know the depths of us like Christ.  i know my soul longs to be known, appreciated, adored, treasured, etc. by a man.  but oh my, how this PALES in comparison to the rest my soul enters when i think of my Savior and what He endured so that i might speak deep things with Him.  profound things of truth- those moments where you literally feel the Word of God dividing your soul and spirit, your joints and marrow… God’s holy power meets my depraved weakness and it’s as if a light flashes in my eyes and i have to look away.  and in that moment when i am laid broken before God, Satan so easily enters to judge me and convince me that i am beyond help.  i will never ”get it”.  my life is one failed attempt at righteousness after another after another.  at some point, God is going to give up on me.  He causes me to doubt as i think, “well, the fact that i keep sinning and not getting it right…. am i even a Christian?  surely if i were truly a believer, i wouldn’t keep screwing up all the time.”  then, in all honesty, i cling to some lame version of grace, turn the light off and as i fall asleep, i hope for a better performance tomorrow. 

now, as this year has been insanely busy, i have allowed my heart to become hardened toward the One whom i used to pursue passionately.  the One who redeemed my life out of the pit, surrounded me by literally a community of believers, carried me through the darkest years of my life as my family broke apart, and the One who allowed me to see His glory in another land and language.  i have forsaken Him.  again, i have clung to some weak form of grace that allows me to basically live on auto-pilot because i am just too busy as a first-year teacher.  God understands how busy i am, so in His loving grace, He won’t mind that i can’t really devote solid time to Him until june. 

ok, let’s get back to the Good Shepherd… i once heard a preacher say that in order to keep the wayward sheep from continuously running off, the shepherd has to break its legs.  this past Sunday, then again tonight, Christ broke my legs.  He pursued me in the midst of my wandering and in His sweet mercy, broke me so that i may no longer sin against Him. 

now, what kills me is what the shepherds do next.  they carry the sheep over their shoulders!  i don’t know about you, but if a stupid animal kept wandering off from me, holding up my progress, the last thing i would want to do is carry its nasty, hairy (wooly?) body around my neck.  that darn animal should learn how to get it right.  and maybe having to try to walk with some broken limbs might finally teach him.  all i know is that it has caused me enough trouble and i’m not being inconvenienced anymore.  does this sound familiar?  this is only the way i perceive God more times that i care to admit.  but is that how our Good Shepherd treats us when we sin and fall short of the glory of God?  NO!  what does He do?  HE CARRIES US!!!  from brokenness to our moment of healing, He carries us!  now, we come into this world broken, and when we see Jesus we will be healed, perfect, lacking nothing.  so, that means every day of my life, from my broken birth to my final, healing breath, Christ carries me.   so, i praise Christ that it is not about me.  He is the author and perfecter of my faith, He has begun a good work in me and will perfect it, and it is HIS zeal that will accomplish this.  and these aren’t things that might happen if i’m good enough long enough…  these things ARE happening, in spite of me, more often than not.  He is doing the work.  He must increase, i must decrease.  i like to think of my life like this: God and i in some sort of container with a fixed volume.  the boundaries are set, unable to be altered in any way…  so, if God and i are to spend my life sharing a common space, my prayer is that by the end of my days it is absolutely, 100% occupied by HIS will- His good, pleasing and perfect will.   

So, I leave you with one of my favorite passages.  It sings of His perfect knowledge of us, to the very center of our innermost being.  No man (or woman)can ever make it there, no matter how wonderful they may be.  that place is reserved for only One person- the One who created us, died to save us, sustains us daily, will one day rescue us, but until then, longs to lead us in the everlasting way.

    1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
    2You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
         You understand my thought from afar.
    3You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
         And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
    4Even before there is a word on my tongue,
         Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
    5You have enclosed me behind and before,
         And laid Your hand upon me.
    6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
         It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

 13For You formed my inward parts;
         You wove me in my mother’s womb.
    14I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
         Wonderful are Your works,
         And my soul knows it very well.
    15My frame was not hidden from You,
         When I was made in secret,
         And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
    16Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
         And in Your book were all written
         The days that were ordained for me,
         When as yet there was not one of them.
    17How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
         How vast is the sum of them!
    18If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand
         When I awake, I am still with You.

    23Search me, O God, and know my heart;
         Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
    24And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
         And lead me in the everlasting way.

peace at last

ok, i know that some of you have been anxiously awaiting a new post… i’m sorry.  if you’re reading this, you probably know that i get easily distracted.  and quite honestly, there has been so much going on lately, that i didn’t even know how to possibly express it without one of you having me committed (with reason). 

 like i said, life has been insane.  however, i just got back from a wonderful vacation to america’s heartland… the nati.  seeing miranda was in and of itself a blessing from heaven.  but it was also a much-needed vacation.  i got ya-ya time and rest for my soul all in one.  so, at this moment, i am completely unstressed.  all the thoughts that consumed my thoughts and weighed down my heart are gone.  the slate is wiped clean.  tomorrow, reality sets in again.  and now that the Lord has given me a chance to rest and recharge, i pray that i will be more faithful to Him in the second half of the semester.  there’s no mistake about this vacation coming when it did.  i’m half-way through.  i have learned so much these past 9 weeks.  my life is completely different from what i ever imagined it could be.  i am a middle school teacher.  i speak spanish, come up with lesson plans, call parents, grade tests, give kids the death look and say things i never thought i’d say.  this is my life.  i feel like i’m finally settling into it.  it’s harder than anything i’ve ever done.  on my own, i am an absolute failure.  but by God’s grace, i love my life, love my job, and have hope that every day will be better than the one before. 

 so, this one isn’t very exciting or deep or funny or anything like that.  stay tuned though.

going for it anyway…

ok.  i hesitated copying a friend’s background, but i must press forth.  this background is just me… there’s no way around it.  so, “friend,” you know who you are, don’t think i’m actually copying you.  you should have known this was going to happen.  you should have thought when you started your blog, “you know, i bet emily will choose this one day when she starts her blog.  i shouldn’t choose this one.”  so, in conclusion, you copied me in a back to the future sort of way.  i win.

a slow start

well, i was so excited/nervous about starting this weblog thing.  a so-called friend of mine has a really sweet picture for his background.  so, i naively thought i would find a cool picture for mine.  sadly, this was not the case.  so, now i find myself with a mediocre background… not at all what i had in mind… sad day.  night night.