the other day in sunday school, we talked a little about Jesus as the good shepherd. for those of us who know the Lord, we are familiar with this metaphor and the emotions it evokes. as the sheep, we are known intimately by our shepherd. in fact, no human on this earth will know the depths of us like Christ. i know my soul longs to be known, appreciated, adored, treasured, etc. by a man. but oh my, how this PALES in comparison to the rest my soul enters when i think of my Savior and what He endured so that i might speak deep things with Him. profound things of truth- those moments where you literally feel the Word of God dividing your soul and spirit, your joints and marrow… God’s holy power meets my depraved weakness and it’s as if a light flashes in my eyes and i have to look away. and in that moment when i am laid broken before God, Satan so easily enters to judge me and convince me that i am beyond help. i will never ”get it”. my life is one failed attempt at righteousness after another after another. at some point, God is going to give up on me. He causes me to doubt as i think, “well, the fact that i keep sinning and not getting it right…. am i even a Christian? surely if i were truly a believer, i wouldn’t keep screwing up all the time.” then, in all honesty, i cling to some lame version of grace, turn the light off and as i fall asleep, i hope for a better performance tomorrow.
now, as this year has been insanely busy, i have allowed my heart to become hardened toward the One whom i used to pursue passionately. the One who redeemed my life out of the pit, surrounded me by literally a community of believers, carried me through the darkest years of my life as my family broke apart, and the One who allowed me to see His glory in another land and language. i have forsaken Him. again, i have clung to some weak form of grace that allows me to basically live on auto-pilot because i am just too busy as a first-year teacher. God understands how busy i am, so in His loving grace, He won’t mind that i can’t really devote solid time to Him until june.
ok, let’s get back to the Good Shepherd… i once heard a preacher say that in order to keep the wayward sheep from continuously running off, the shepherd has to break its legs. this past Sunday, then again tonight, Christ broke my legs. He pursued me in the midst of my wandering and in His sweet mercy, broke me so that i may no longer sin against Him.
now, what kills me is what the shepherds do next. they carry the sheep over their shoulders! i don’t know about you, but if a stupid animal kept wandering off from me, holding up my progress, the last thing i would want to do is carry its nasty, hairy (wooly?) body around my neck. that darn animal should learn how to get it right. and maybe having to try to walk with some broken limbs might finally teach him. all i know is that it has caused me enough trouble and i’m not being inconvenienced anymore. does this sound familiar? this is only the way i perceive God more times that i care to admit. but is that how our Good Shepherd treats us when we sin and fall short of the glory of God? NO! what does He do? HE CARRIES US!!! from brokenness to our moment of healing, He carries us! now, we come into this world broken, and when we see Jesus we will be healed, perfect, lacking nothing. so, that means every day of my life, from my broken birth to my final, healing breath, Christ carries me. so, i praise Christ that it is not about me. He is the author and perfecter of my faith, He has begun a good work in me and will perfect it, and it is HIS zeal that will accomplish this. and these aren’t things that might happen if i’m good enough long enough… these things ARE happening, in spite of me, more often than not. He is doing the work. He must increase, i must decrease. i like to think of my life like this: God and i in some sort of container with a fixed volume. the boundaries are set, unable to be altered in any way… so, if God and i are to spend my life sharing a common space, my prayer is that by the end of my days it is absolutely, 100% occupied by HIS will- His good, pleasing and perfect will.
So, I leave you with one of my favorite passages. It sings of His perfect knowledge of us, to the very center of our innermost being. No man (or woman)can ever make it there, no matter how wonderful they may be. that place is reserved for only One person- the One who created us, died to save us, sustains us daily, will one day rescue us, but until then, longs to lead us in the everlasting way.
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
5You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
13For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
14I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
17How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand
When I awake, I am still with You.
23Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.
I love Psalm 139 and I love reading your thoughts, prayers, and what you are learning. Much love.